15 April 2010

14hrs till it all starts...

Well I finally left work on leave until I'm healthy enough to return again. Still have some work to do, but hopefully it doesn't take too long. I have a lot of not sleeping to do.

After my post yesterday, my friend brought up a point I hadn't thought about... And I think he hit on something for me. He made the comment that I might be mad at having no control over the situation.

Made me think. I hadn't thought about that before. It makes sense to me, especially being a person that believes he's in control over his destiny. The one thing I should be able to control is my body, yet I have not been able to. Even with all my attempts, doctors, medications, therapies, and and and...

So if this is right, what do I do???

Sent from my BlackBerry which means either a) I like you or b) you pay me enough to do it. Either way please excuse typos

14 April 2010

40 hours till I go under, and I am not ready for this

We have crossed the 40 hour mark till I go in and have my 2nd Major surgery in the last 7 months. (4th surgery in same time period) I'm not ready to go through this again. I'm still furiously pissed off about the last time I did this.

Thing is... I really don't know why I'm so angry...

I would like to think that I'm angry at my doctors for their inability to control this disease, but they did the best they could with the tools available to them.

Maybe I'm mad at the people around me for not doing more to help me. Reality is they can only help me if I allow them and as anyone that really knows me that doesn't happen. I've always been a person to internalize everything until I can't anymore.

Is my anger toward "god" or whoever it is controling things? I don't think so as I do not believe in a higher power. I have a hard time letting go of the thought that I control my destiny.

Am I angry with myself? I have a hard time accepting this as I know that logically I did not create my situation. I know that I control its outcome, but I did not intentionally or knowingly put myself in this position. This makes it hard for me to believe rationally that I'm angry with myself.

For me, saying that I'm angry with the situation is such a bullshit line. There has never been anyone that has ever said that line that didn't know exactly what they were angry with.

So what's left for me to be angry with?

(On my way home from work, writing this on the bus. Its not very sunny out, but wearing my sunglasses. Don't want people to see me crying)

I hate that I can't explain it. Its turned me into a very miserable person. (Anyone that thinks that I have been in great spirits lately, you now know what 10 years in radio can do for your acting skills)

I mean, how rediculous is this. I find myself angry at people that tell me that my story is inspiring to them. I guess I have a hard time someone as miserable as I can be an inspiration to anyone.

If the world has one of those inspirational kicks to the head that puts everything into perspective again, I could really use it right about now.
Sent from my BlackBerry which means either a) I like you or b) you pay me enough to do it. Either way please excuse typos

07 April 2010

When 140 characters, or even 420, just won't do...

So if when life gives you lemons you make lemonaid, when life gives you hell do you throw a BBQ?

Life sometimes gives everyone hell, then there are the times where life straight ties you down and makes you it's bitch. Recently, it's felt like the latter of the 2

A lot of things are happening all at once, and I am not having an easy time mentally with any of it.  I am actually kinda surprised that I am able to keep up appearances that I am strong and am perservearing through this, because inside I am torn apart. I know what's going on in my head is the source of my insomnia, but with as much as I do have going on in my life right now, I don't have the time to slow down and take care of it.  I know that sounds horrible, as we all should take the time to clear our head of all the deamons that haunt us, but with a 60+ hr a week job, 2 kids and a wife that's due in 2.5 months with #3, and all the other things I have my hands in right now I just don't have any time.  Besides that.... I don't think I am ready to deal with them.

I head to the surgeons tomorrow to schedule my next surgery.  I really don't think I am ready for another one.  I hadn't really gotten through everything in my head from the first one. I know that I am angry at myself and my body, but I can't really pinpoint why.   This was the hand that I was dealt, and I think I am handling it pretty well considering what I put myself through to have the life that I have always wanted. Some times I wonder if it is all worth it, trying to keep going on the path that I am on in the condition that I am in, but then I think about all the hard work that I put in and the breaks I created to get where I am today, and I realize that I wouldn't ever get another shot like this again.  I have to keep doing what I am doing, I would never be happy doing anything else.

Well... Outside running my own station that I was the owner of.... Anyone got a couple million dollars they want to loan me?

Sorry.... Quick Break... This is the Funniest video I have seen in a while! Just goes to show you what a well placed bleep can do to pretty much any conversation.

So someday... I hope to figure this all out... until then I hope I can work through this and keep going on what I do.  Otherwise, I am sure my family will hate me.

All this just to keep the roof over my families head.  It's totally worth it... but someday this body will give out on me again... and then what

23 March 2010

An update. Why? Because I can

I had the most interesting interview the other day. Working for the radio station and doing the podcast, I talk to a lot of people about a lot of things, but this one really hit home for me. I don't want to talk about it yet, as the episode hasn't posted yet, but I will update this once it has.

Life has been just this side of insane lately. Work has been crazy updating the station and getting through a lot of research that we have done. I'm liking where this is going. It brings us back to our roots, but in a much better way. I'm sure my wife is hating that I am putting in so many hours around the office, but I know she also understands that I wouldn't be happy doing anything else.

Speaking of my wife... We just celebrated out 2nd wedding anniversary. It has been a most glorious 2 years married. We have been together for 4.5 years. She met me shortly after I was diagnosed with Crohns. She's never seen me completely healthy and has stayed by my side the whole time. I hope to one day show her what I can really do once I am healthy again. It will happen. I will make it happen if it kills me.

Speaking of Crohns... Its been kicking my ass lately! It has determined that it wants to kick my ass as long as it can. I know that most of my flairs are stress induced... And I have had my fair share of stress lately. I know I need to find a way to slow down and let my body rest, I just don't know how to do it.

Speaking of rest... I should probably get some.

Much love to you all.
Sent from my BlackBerry which means either a) I like you or b) you pay me enough to do it. Either way please excuse typos

18 March 2010

I miss...

Now, most guys either won't relate to this or not want to admit that they relate to this... But I know most women will.

You know that friend you have, may not be your best friend, but the one that no matter what you are doing or how long its been you can call and talk anything from mindless chit chat to major life crisis and they we're always there on the other end to listen or ramble or whatever you needed them for?

I had one of those once. Probably the only person in the world that knew everything. I was correct in the use of the past tense. We haven't spoken in a very long time. I'm not really sure why we stopped talking. I know it was in one of my "let's get fucked up all the time to forget that I'm sick and in pain" periods.

I've always wondered what happened to them... How they've been...

Got a really random txt from them a while back asking a bizarre question. I answered hoping it would open the dialogue again... It didn't...

Guess that's just what happens when you grow up...

Really sucks... I could use that friend right now...

02 March 2010

30,000ft in the air, the world looks at peace...

I never like to fly. Now I am not fearful of it, I just hate the cramped spaces for long periods of time with no real way to stretch out. But when I do fly, I prefer to fly at night. Not because the plane is any less crammed full, but because the view out the window is so incredible.

You can always tell when you're coming up on a major metro area, because the lights become brighter and closer together. Watching the contours of this earth bend and fold around is breath-taking. From up here, it makes it hard to believe that such things as war, famine, murder, genocide, and hate can exist. The world seems to be at peace.

Why can't the world always seem this peaceful...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

24 February 2010

HD Cable and Waking up early do NOT mix...

Positive - last night I finally hooked up HD cable to my HDTV, and it looks AMAZING. Fell asleep on the couch for the first time in a long time. I can't remember what I was watching, but it was good.

Negative - it must have been somewhere around 2 or 3am when I did fall asleep. Now normally this isn't that bad, as I would typically wake for work around 8am and have an hour on my bus ride to work to sleep a bit more. But this morning, I didn't have that luxury as I need to be downtown to see my surgeon by the time that I normally would be waking up.

(On the bus downtown, and there is a chick on here trying to convince her friend that Meat is Murder... But she's wearing knee-high leather boots and is carrying a Coach purse. Anyone else see anything wrong with that picture)

I am not looking forward to this meeting. Although I know they are just trying to get me healthier again, the prospects of ANY surgery right now frustrates me. I still haven't really gotten over the last one... Hell my wounds have just barely healed from it... And they want me back on the table soon. If it was going to be this soon, why didn't we just do it all the first time?

I don't know what he's going to tell me... I'm not so sure I'm ready to know... But its happening all over again... And I am completely not ready for it.

Not that you are ever ready for it...

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

23 February 2010

Feeling very anxious right now...

So I'm at my GI's office right now. He wanted to see me because I have been showing signs of my Crohn's acting up again. He tells me that the possibility of another surgery is good in the near future. (Mind you, this was all over the phone) he hasn't walked in the door yet, and I am still feeling very nervous and anxious. I am not looking forward to another surgery so close to when I just finished healing from the last one. I had, and am still having, a hard time with the last one. Another one so soon seems like it will destroy me mentally, if not physically.

I don't know what the near future holds.......

(Doc is in the room...)

So... I guess I have to make a call to my surgeon now... I am not having an easy time with this right now...

He says we're nearing the end of this journey... Am I being skeptical for thinking he's full of shit?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

16 February 2010

I never knew I was wrong in feeling ashamed...

One of the really cool things about doing the Talkin 'Bout Guts podcast is that it allows me to talk to people I never thought I would be able to about things I would never have thought to ask. This last episode that we did with Kristin Knipp, president of the UOAA, was an eye opener for me. She was telling her story about her coming to terms with her ostomy, and she relayed a conversation that she had with her WOCN where she was told "you know, its ok to be angry"

Unlike her, I know that the emotion that I am feeling is anger, but I was not alright with it. I feel ashamed of my anger. I guess hearing all these great stories of great comebacks from crohns and ostomies actually was a bad thing for me. I built up unrealistic expectations in my head about how this was all going to happen. So when it didn't happen for me, I became very angry. Not just because I was not recovering and doing what every one else could, but because I felt failure in being able to take control over this disease.

But now I know... anger is just a part of dealing with this... and it's ok to be angry

I am absolutely angry right now.  Not only do I feel that the medical profession failed me for so long, but I feel that I failed myself for just as long.  

29 January 2010

When It Rains, It Pours......

And not always in a bad way!

A lot of positive things are happening in my life again. It really is interesting how cyclicle my life is. For a while the world pisses on me, and I pull out my umbrella and weather the storm. Then the sun comes out and drenches me in warmth, and I put away the umbrella and soak it all up for as long as I can before the world starts to piss on me again.

There are a lot of good things happening right now that I don't want to talk about, as I am not ready to announce the plans yet, but there are a lot of good things happening behind the scenes in my life. It was the right time for me to take a risk and step out into the ring and get this done.

One good thing that has happened because of some extra work that I have been picking up lately is that I am finally a Seattle Sounders FC SEASON TICKET HOLDER!!! (ok you can all be jealous now.... .... .... .... Ok enough with the jealousy) I have picked up sidejobs DJing for HS Dances and such, and I stashed that money aside because I didn't really know what I wanted to do with it. Well at the start of this week, the supporter group that I am a part of, Gorilla FC posted that their broker had a pair of tickets available in their section, and anyone interested should contact them immediately. I had wanted to get in this year, but just didn't have the money when they were taking initial payments, so I thought I lost out this year. I gave the broker a call that day, and they were still available, so now they are MINE!!! So 18 days over the next 40 weeks I will be unavailable, just so you know.

Another thing that I can talk about is that I will be taking my first vacation in YEARS with my family down to Great Wolf Logde in probably Late Feburary/Early March. I have wanted to take the family somewhere for a long time, and now I am able to do it. It will only be for a night or two, but still, that is still the first vacation I have been able to take with them since meeting Erin 4 years ago.

Another good thing is that my body has decided that it won't hate me for a while. This is a good thing as I was getting really tired of not knowing when it would and would not hate on me. It's nice not having to make any consessions in your life for your body and disease. Why didn't I do this earlier!

Well... for now that is all she wrote about what's happening. Please stayed tuned, there are many more exciting things ahead for me and my family.

Onward and Upward!

Take Care of yourselves!

26 January 2010

Silver Nitrate is NOT my friend!!!

Another week has passed since I was sitting here in this chair watching the Ferelcit flow out of the bag and into the vein in my arm. This is week 3 in this run, and I'm still not feeling a difference.

One thing that makes it SUCK to be me is that my surgery wound decided it didn't want to heal normally or properly. This has caused me to have to burn myself with Silver Nitrate to knock back flesh that shouldn't be growing so flesh that should be can grow and close this incision finally. Let me tell you IT SUCKS beyond belief to have to go through this every couple days for weeks.

What can I say... My body hates itself.

I'm coming up on 4 months with my ostomy. What's the saying... No rest for the wicked? Ever since my surgery, life has gotten crazier and crazier. Sooo much going on that its hard to keep track of it all. So many doctors to see, nurses to consult with, infusions to get, labs to do... Its almost as bad as before surgery. Now would I go back and not do it... HELL NO. But it is confusing.

There really was no point to this post... Just some random thoughts on the situation.

The world has gone mad, don't go with it!

Until next time
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

24 January 2010

Randomness on a sunday night

Wow... what a whirlwind of a weekend. Started off interesting enough... ended with a lot of work...

One thing that has been bugging me is the MLS negotiation of the CBA it has with it's players. Now, I have read a lot about the situation, and I am not impressed. As a fan, all I want to see is the players on the field come the end of March. Now as someone who understands budgets and the like, I can see that there is the possibility that giving too much away can only hurt the business in the long run. But not having the players on the field would hurt the league even more.
Seeing that star players in the league like Beckman, Ljungburg, and Donavan have already come out and said that they will now play outside the US permenently if there is any sort of lockout for the coming season is concerning. The players that draw the crowds that the MLS needs to survive are leaving because the MLS doesn't operate like leagues in other parts of the world.

Wake Up Don... The future of your league depends on it

Podcast had been a blast to do. We have been hard at work to improve things as this thing got bigger than we ever expected it to! Thanks to everyone that has downloaded and listened!

Well, the wife and kids are calling... gonna go play a bit before bed

Take care of yourselves! I want you all around when I get old!

16 January 2010

Sleep..... What is this sleep thing you speak of???

It's 5am, do you know where your sanity is?

If so could you see if mine is out partying with it again?

I seem to have lost it and would like to have it back.