HD Cable and Waking up early do NOT mix...

Positive - last night I finally hooked up HD cable to my HDTV, and it looks AMAZING. Fell asleep on the couch for the first time in a long time. I can't remember what I was watching, but it was good.

Negative - it must have been somewhere around 2 or 3am when I did fall asleep. Now normally this isn't that bad, as I would typically wake for work around 8am and have an hour on my bus ride to work to sleep a bit more. But this morning, I didn't have that luxury as I need to be downtown to see my surgeon by the time that I normally would be waking up.

(On the bus downtown, and there is a chick on here trying to convince her friend that Meat is Murder... But she's wearing knee-high leather boots and is carrying a Coach purse. Anyone else see anything wrong with that picture)

I am not looking forward to this meeting. Although I know they are just trying to get me healthier again, the prospects of ANY surgery right now frustrates me. I still haven't really gotten over the last one... Hell my wounds have just barely healed from it... And they want me back on the table soon. If it was going to be this soon, why didn't we just do it all the first time?

I don't know what he's going to tell me... I'm not so sure I'm ready to know... But its happening all over again... And I am completely not ready for it.

Not that you are ever ready for it...

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Feeling very anxious right now...

So I'm at my GI's office right now. He wanted to see me because I have been showing signs of my Crohn's acting up again. He tells me that the possibility of another surgery is good in the near future. (Mind you, this was all over the phone) he hasn't walked in the door yet, and I am still feeling very nervous and anxious. I am not looking forward to another surgery so close to when I just finished healing from the last one. I had, and am still having, a hard time with the last one. Another one so soon seems like it will destroy me mentally, if not physically.

I don't know what the near future holds.......

(Doc is in the room...)

So... I guess I have to make a call to my surgeon now... I am not having an easy time with this right now...

He says we're nearing the end of this journey... Am I being skeptical for thinking he's full of shit?
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I never knew I was wrong in feeling ashamed...

One of the really cool things about doing the Talkin 'Bout Guts podcast is that it allows me to talk to people I never thought I would be able to about things I would never have thought to ask. This last episode that we did with Kristin Knipp, president of the UOAA, was an eye opener for me. She was telling her story about her coming to terms with her ostomy, and she relayed a conversation that she had with her WOCN where she was told "you know, its ok to be angry"

Unlike her, I know that the emotion that I am feeling is anger, but I was not alright with it. I feel ashamed of my anger. I guess hearing all these great stories of great comebacks from crohns and ostomies actually was a bad thing for me. I built up unrealistic expectations in my head about how this was all going to happen. So when it didn't happen for me, I became very angry. Not just because I was not recovering and doing what every one else could, but because I felt failure in being able to take control over this disease.

But now I know... anger is just a part of dealing with this... and it's ok to be angry

I am absolutely angry right now.  Not only do I feel that the medical profession failed me for so long, but I feel that I failed myself for just as long.