40 hours till I go under, and I am not ready for this

We have crossed the 40 hour mark till I go in and have my 2nd Major surgery in the last 7 months. (4th surgery in same time period) I'm not ready to go through this again. I'm still furiously pissed off about the last time I did this.

Thing is... I really don't know why I'm so angry...

I would like to think that I'm angry at my doctors for their inability to control this disease, but they did the best they could with the tools available to them.

Maybe I'm mad at the people around me for not doing more to help me. Reality is they can only help me if I allow them and as anyone that really knows me that doesn't happen. I've always been a person to internalize everything until I can't anymore.

Is my anger toward "god" or whoever it is controling things? I don't think so as I do not believe in a higher power. I have a hard time letting go of the thought that I control my destiny.

Am I angry with myself? I have a hard time accepting this as I know that logically I did not create my situation. I know that I control its outcome, but I did not intentionally or knowingly put myself in this position. This makes it hard for me to believe rationally that I'm angry with myself.

For me, saying that I'm angry with the situation is such a bullshit line. There has never been anyone that has ever said that line that didn't know exactly what they were angry with.

So what's left for me to be angry with?

(On my way home from work, writing this on the bus. Its not very sunny out, but wearing my sunglasses. Don't want people to see me crying)

I hate that I can't explain it. Its turned me into a very miserable person. (Anyone that thinks that I have been in great spirits lately, you now know what 10 years in radio can do for your acting skills)

I mean, how rediculous is this. I find myself angry at people that tell me that my story is inspiring to them. I guess I have a hard time someone as miserable as I can be an inspiration to anyone.

If the world has one of those inspirational kicks to the head that puts everything into perspective again, I could really use it right about now.
Sent from my BlackBerry which means either a) I like you or b) you pay me enough to do it. Either way please excuse typos