Cont...

I have more questions than answers. I really don't like that feeling. Got more appointments to see people and have more procedures done. They didn't do the endoscope when they did my colonoscopy, so I have to go have that done on Thursday. They want to do it because I have been having pain in an area that they can't explain. They are hoping that this will help shed some more light on what's happening. I am not so sure... but I think I am getting a little more impatient with what's happening as time goes on and I still don't have answers. I see the surgeons on Monday in their office. I hope that they can tell me what's happening and what the plan is for this whole scenario. I still don't know what they plan on taking out, what type of ostomy they are planning, how long they expect before they go in, how much downtime I will have afterward, how this will affect my life, NOTHING!

It's slightly frustrating......

Untill then, I continue on this Clear Liquid only diet, WHICH IS TORTURE!!! I actually have been feening sooo hard for actual food lately, that I have taken to locking myself in my bedroom when the family is eating ANYTHING. I mean, the other night my wife heated some frozen pizza up (something that I usually have absolutely no problem staying away from) and I was craving it so badily. I think that I just miss food! I love to cook and eat and I can't do the latter right now.

It definately adds to the frustration.....

Friday I found myself back in the ER again... this time it was a flu. I went to bed Thursday night feeling just fine. When I woke up I had a gnarly cough and a temp up over 101. Called my doctors and they all told me to get my ass in there. Sure enough I caught the flu. They took 5 sets of labs from me!!! 3 from my PICC line, and 2 others from a second IV they tapped! I swear they wanted all of my blood! They pushed a couple litres of fluid, gave me some Tamiflu and sent me on my way. I spent most of the weekend in my bed trying to rest, but one of the side effects of the pain meds that I am on is I get jittery and hyper and have a need to do SOMETHING physical. Makes for interesting nights and such... finally get out of pain and have the need to go do something... my wife can't figure me out. I am doing much better today. My temp is gone and I only have a slight cough and body aches. Hopefully I won't be feeling any of this by Wednesday.

Sick on top of sick... adds more to the frustration......

Both of my kids birthday's are in September along with mine, so yesterday we had a party for them. What was I thinking letting my 11yr old have a bunch of friends over while getting over a flu and being fed out of a tube in my arm? I must have been on some great stuff when I said yes to that! All in all it was a great day for them and they had a blast, I was just completely DECIMATED by the end of the day. I had to take a nap after they all left. Watching my kids tear into their presents was awesome though. I also enjoyed watching Elijah tear into his first cake. Tradition in our family, the first bday the kid gets their own cake to tear into. We definately have some great pictures of what he did to his! Except for completely draining me, it was a great day

Helped me to forget about the frustrations for a while....

Now I am at work, waiting around for the last of my database to compile so I can finish my work for the day. Although I really didn't want to come in today, I did get a lot done. It's easy to get a lot done though when you are left to yourself with a to do list and a computer. I think I had a highly productive day, even made some calls to set up appointments and such. Unfortunately my to do list seems longer at the end of this day than it was when I walked into the building this morning. Oh well, that's life I guess.

I wish I could say that I am alright with everything that's happening. I wish I could say that I have made my peace with the situation and that I am ready for it all to be over so I can move on. I mean I want this all to be over and I want to move on with my life, but I am still very conflicted about everything that's going to happen and how it's all going to be happening and what's going to happen to by body.

All I can do is keep my head up, keep thinking positive thoughts, and keep praying that answers to all my questions are around the corner.

Untill then.... I will keep breathing... and keep trying not to cry... but I gotta say... it gets harder as the days go on living like this

Much love to you all