Warning.... Reality inside. Read at your own risk

Disclaimer: I am writing this late at night going on day 3 without sleep. I really shouldn't publish this, but I told myself that if I was going to start this blog and really keep people informed on how I was doing and what this disease is doing to me, that I needed to be honest and not sugar coat what was really happening. I apologize in advance for some of the language, if I had maybe gotten some sleep before writing this I could have been a little more creative with what I was saying insted of using the language that I did.

this has to be the worst that I have ever felt. I am failing and I am about to crack! Does anyone notice? No. If they haven't noticed by now, they never will. Everyone is just fucking oblivious to what is happening. Either that or they really don't care. Everyone is so worried about how my body is doing... what has the disease done to the machine that keeps me producing and paying the bills. Fuck what this disease has done to my head. It's a physical disease, how could it possibly do anything to mess with my head? How could anything be mentally wrong with me? I am still cohearant, still producing great ideas, still paying the bills, still making other peoples lives easy, still making people happy. There's no way in hell that anything can be wrong with someone who can do all that and still make it out of bed in the morning. It's when I stop producing, stop making life easy, stop paying the bills, that people finally realize that's somethings wrong. No, I need to correct that statement because it was incomplete. It's when these things are the result of me hospitalizing myself that people finally realize that something was wrong. But even then they think it's the disease. They don't even ask the question about my head. My head is alright, there's no way that it's not! It's just his body, that's all it is! Ignorance must be bliss!

Physically my body is in the worst shape that it's ever been. There isn't a day that I don't hurt. If it's not my bowels, it's my back which is all fucked with what they think is inflammatory arthritis from my crohn's, or it's my knee or hip which I've had tendonitis in since I was 18, or its a migrane that are a family trait, or it's some other form of muscle ache or joint pain from me just trying to get through life. I constantly take something for the pain, but that doesn't really help. All it does is delay what I feel or make me so fucked up that I have a hard time concentrating on the task at hand that it's easier for me to work in pain than deal with the fuzzy work I do produce when I am on that shit. So it's a choice between living in pain or not being able to live a normal life because I am too stoned to know what the fuck is going on. And here's a word of advice for you... don't mix pain pills and energy drinks/shots. That is one fucked feeling that I wouldn't even recommend to the biggest of junkies! I did it one day because I was in a ton of pain but absolutely needed to be alert for some meetings. I thought that would be the best solution. Well I was there and alert... but the side effects were fucked up!

Mentally, I am more fucked than I am physically. I am so well beyond gone that I feel like a robot. that's all I really am anyways... a money making robot that every now and again needs to be sent to the mechanics (hospital) for a tune up to get back out there producing and making the money again. My needs don't matter. My mental state of mind doesn't matter. My happiness doesn't matter. My mental well being doesn't matter. Just keep producing. Keep the family happy. That's all that anyone really cares about. Keeping the next generation happy. Keep the wife happy so she can raise the kids to be happy. Keep the family happy, that's all that society cares about. The daddy doesn't matter, as long as he produces. Keep a roof over their heads... keep food in their bellies... keep the heat and lights on... keep them healthy and able to learn so they can grow up to do whatever it is that they feel like doing... keep them all happy... that's all that matters.

What can really be done about this... Nothing! I know that I am in control of my life, but I have painted myself into this corner. I'm the one that decided to take on the responsibility of 2 kids. I am the one that allows my wife not to work as we barely scrape by most months. I am the one that sacrifices what is best for him for what is best for the group/family. I am the one that allows people to walk all over me and take advantage of my good will. So who can I really blame but myself? I created the world that I live in. Now I am forced to actually live in it. That's what is suppose to happen. You're suppose to live the life you create. Aparently this is the life that I created, so I am living it. Day by day. Night by night. Waiting for something to change... but it won't... nobody wants it to! That would mean that there's must be something wrong with Daniel... and that's not possible!

I would say FML.... but I created it... I have nobody to blame but myself...