Tonight I spend my time working on a custom Christmas music mix for work. They use it at Christmas specific events through this time of the year. (Tree Lightings, Christmas Music Concerts, ect...) As I was working on this, I realized that this time that I spend working on this mix is the only time during the last couple years that I have been able to sit down and enjoy the music of the season. The rest of the time I am so focused on what's happening with the station that I don't have time to. This is a very busy time of year for me at work. Not only do I have to fill in around work for everyone that is out and about on vacations and such, we have to start planning out the next year of the station. So I sit here and listen to the entire 2 hour mix real time (normally after I finish a mix I speed through it to just hear the transitions to make sure it sounds fluid) so that I can have my bit of holiday music joy before I have to focus on reality again.
I hate that this year I have had to do this at night after I have left the office for the day, but what can I do about that...
I know, considering that it is almost 11pm and I am still healing from the surgery, I should be asleep. My attitude with that is... it's fucking pointless to try to sleep. Since I have tapered off the prednisone I have been even more restless. Now I don't know if it has something to do with that or the fact that I can not find a comfortable position to sleep in since surgery, but it is getting recockulous. Even the Ambien that they prescribed me doesn't work anymore. (and I am already on the max dose of it)
I know that everyone is telling me that I need to stay positive like I have been, but what if I don't want to anymore? It's fucking EXHAUSTING to stay this positive all the time when you hurt either from a chronic illness or surgery or both and still work full time, still am active outside the house, and have 2 young children running around constantly wanting the attention that they deserve to get from their dad.
Can I have a weekend... Just one... Where I am allowed to be negative? One where I can complain about how much I hurt and how exhausted something simple as doing the laundry makes me? One where I can have people not expect the world out of me? One where I can play the "I'm Sick" card and not feel guilty about it? Where I can call in to work sick and not feel guilty that I shorted them or my family? Just one?
This post took a turn you didn't expect, didn't it.....
Well until I touchdown in Fantasy land... I guess it's time to slap the smile back on my face and get to it again... :D
Well that's enough complaining from me. Complaining about your life gets you nowhere...
I am going to go back to listening to my Christmas music... Try not to spoil the little joy I get out of this every year.
Until I see you all again.....
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First off - You get restless being OFF the 'Roids? Man, I have the exact opposite problem, jittery as hell on them...
ReplyDeleteSecond, and maybe most important, of course you can be negative at times. The probelm (if you will) is that you need to let everyone know ahead of time. Seems shitty to have to schedule something like that, but there it is.