This mix was done by DJ Earworm. He does a mashup of the Billboard Top 25 for the year exiting. This is one of the better ones that I have heard out of him.
20 of the 25 were played at one point or another on my station. These get mixed in with songs from Dr. Dre, 2Pac, EnVogue, Bel Biv DeVoe, and the like.
Give it a watch if you have a minute
28 December 2009
22 December 2009
Great Works on the Horizon
Today I spent the first part of my day talking with some amazing people. Now I spend my time editing the audio down. Lots of fun times for me. I am going to have a ton of fun with this project.
What project is it, you ask...
Well... Keep checking back here after the first of the year to find out. I promise good times ahead!
What project is it, you ask...
Well... Keep checking back here after the first of the year to find out. I promise good times ahead!
21 December 2009
Sad... Well... Yes, but still not News worthy
As most of you know, I work for a radio station in my hometown of Seattle, WA. My job requires me to stay on top not only what's new in music, but also what's happening in the news and pop culture. Because of this, I spend a lot of time going through emails, websites, and RSS/twitter feeds to keep on top of all of this so I can advise for my station and Air Staff to the best of my ability.
Now, news of a celebrity death is nothing new. From the time the broadcast media started, they have covered the death of a celebrity. One thing that has drastically changed is how big the celebrity had to be to get coverage. In the days of my idols, Murrow and Cronkite, you had to be a Head of State or an Icon (Monroe, Sinatra, Dean) to get even a mention on the evening news, and even then, you were lucky if it took up more than 2 minutes of air time.
With the development of the 24 hour news channel, comes the need to fill those hours with something to report on. In this crazy world, I don't see a lack of things to report on. War, famine, disease, charity work, extraordinary people, community events, ect. With all these other things to report on, why is it that every time I hear of a "celebrity" death, it is plastered across every news station for days? Why do all I see in the news agency feeds (AP, Reuters) is information and "news" stories I would come to expect to read in a supermarket rag or on a gossip site? Some of the supposed most reputable news agencies reduced to gossip rags.
Here's an idea... Maybe you can gain your credibility back with this one.
STOP REPORTING ABOUT EVERY CELEBRITY or PSUEDO-CELEBRTIY THAT DIES BY THEIR OWN HAND!!!
And since I'm on the topic...
A PERSON CHEATING ON THEIR PARTNER IS NOT NEWS WORTHY NO MATTER HOW HIGH PROFILE THEY ARE!!!
This year, it seems it was a bad year for "celebrity" deaths. I can't remember a month this year that I wasn't reading through story after story after story of a celebrity dying, mostly due to a drug overdose or some other form of self inflicted death. The other popular story to report is infidelity inside a "celebrity" marriage. Stories about him cheating on her or her cheating on him. I seriously could have written an entire book out of just the headlines that I have seen out of news agencies that are about these 2 topics.
While any loss of life is unfortunate, why does the fact that these people lived in the public eye make it news-worthy? When medics get a frantic call from a housewife at 3am because her husband is face down on the bathroom floor not breathing, is a news crew following along? When the cops find a junkie on the streets dead after her dealer hot dosed her for not paying, are reporters banging on every door to find the leads? And what about the families that are torn apart everyday because one partner doesn't stay faithful to the other? Where's the news story about the mother of 3 kids who was able to stay at home and raise her kids who now has to go work 2 jobs to make ends meet causing her to barely see her kids because dad couldn't stick to the vows he made? Where's the in-depth coverage over the man who contracted HIV through his wife of 10 years because she was out having unprotected sex behind his back?
How are these stories any less tragic or unfortunate as any celebrity? Why do we always here about celebrities having these problems, but when it happens to an everyday person, it goes totally unnoticed?
Have we as a society become so obsessed with the lives of the people we see through the TV that we have forgotten to care about our own neighbors? As a society have we stopped caring about what's really happening in our world? Why do we allow these news agencies to run with this garbage and not tell us what's really happening in the world?
Now, news of a celebrity death is nothing new. From the time the broadcast media started, they have covered the death of a celebrity. One thing that has drastically changed is how big the celebrity had to be to get coverage. In the days of my idols, Murrow and Cronkite, you had to be a Head of State or an Icon (Monroe, Sinatra, Dean) to get even a mention on the evening news, and even then, you were lucky if it took up more than 2 minutes of air time.
With the development of the 24 hour news channel, comes the need to fill those hours with something to report on. In this crazy world, I don't see a lack of things to report on. War, famine, disease, charity work, extraordinary people, community events, ect. With all these other things to report on, why is it that every time I hear of a "celebrity" death, it is plastered across every news station for days? Why do all I see in the news agency feeds (AP, Reuters) is information and "news" stories I would come to expect to read in a supermarket rag or on a gossip site? Some of the supposed most reputable news agencies reduced to gossip rags.
Here's an idea... Maybe you can gain your credibility back with this one.
STOP REPORTING ABOUT EVERY CELEBRITY or PSUEDO-CELEBRTIY THAT DIES BY THEIR OWN HAND!!!
And since I'm on the topic...
A PERSON CHEATING ON THEIR PARTNER IS NOT NEWS WORTHY NO MATTER HOW HIGH PROFILE THEY ARE!!!
This year, it seems it was a bad year for "celebrity" deaths. I can't remember a month this year that I wasn't reading through story after story after story of a celebrity dying, mostly due to a drug overdose or some other form of self inflicted death. The other popular story to report is infidelity inside a "celebrity" marriage. Stories about him cheating on her or her cheating on him. I seriously could have written an entire book out of just the headlines that I have seen out of news agencies that are about these 2 topics.
While any loss of life is unfortunate, why does the fact that these people lived in the public eye make it news-worthy? When medics get a frantic call from a housewife at 3am because her husband is face down on the bathroom floor not breathing, is a news crew following along? When the cops find a junkie on the streets dead after her dealer hot dosed her for not paying, are reporters banging on every door to find the leads? And what about the families that are torn apart everyday because one partner doesn't stay faithful to the other? Where's the news story about the mother of 3 kids who was able to stay at home and raise her kids who now has to go work 2 jobs to make ends meet causing her to barely see her kids because dad couldn't stick to the vows he made? Where's the in-depth coverage over the man who contracted HIV through his wife of 10 years because she was out having unprotected sex behind his back?
How are these stories any less tragic or unfortunate as any celebrity? Why do we always here about celebrities having these problems, but when it happens to an everyday person, it goes totally unnoticed?
Have we as a society become so obsessed with the lives of the people we see through the TV that we have forgotten to care about our own neighbors? As a society have we stopped caring about what's really happening in our world? Why do we allow these news agencies to run with this garbage and not tell us what's really happening in the world?
It saddens me that I have to spend most of my day sifting though all of this JUNK to find the real news stories. I want to spend my day being informed on what's actually happening in the world. I want to read more stories about people striving to make this world a better place for all of us, not who what caught doing blow while underage at a nightclub. I want to hear stories about people taking their time and resources to rebuild, not about some celebrity douchbag that can't keep it in his pants.
What ever happened to integrity in Journalism?
Where's Walter and Edward when you need them?
14 December 2009
You know...
So this is totally a test post for me. In finding more ways to keep this blog updated, I am trying to give myself the ability to post from my phone. Man, gotta love technology.
You know... I was thinking about something the other night, and it carried itself over into today. There is a new site out on the interwebs (www.uncoverostomy.com) that is dedicated to bringing more awareness to ostomies and trying to eliminate some of the negative stigmas that are associated with them. I think that the work that Jess Grossman, IDEAS, and the UOAA are doing is awesome. As most americans and people of the world today knows, sex sells. I believe that this site does a great job of showing that ostomies can be sexy and not something that detracts from the visual of the body and that someone can lead a "normal" life with one.
There is, however, something that I feel this site fails to do, and because of this, will fail at its ultimate goal.
The sites title is Uncover Ostomy, yet the only time that it is uncovered is in the studio during a photo shoot. Outside of that, this site does nothing to show real life with an ostomy uncovered. It shows that a person with an ostomy can lead a normal life, but saying you have tips on how to hide your ostomy isn't really living with it uncovered now, is it.
There is an old saying that I completely think is true. Out of sight, Out of Mind.
I think that the work that has been started by IDEAS, the UOAA, and Jess is a great start. But for this to really be successful, you have to take it a step further.
Now I am not one to criticize without suggestions, so I have a few that will help take this to the next step in awareness.
First, you have to show real people in real situations with their bag showing. A man playing some basketball with his buddies. He's on the "skins" team, and you can see that his ostomy isn't getting in the way of him playing some ball. (His shooting ability, well that's a whole other story) A teenage girl at the beach wearing a 2 piece swimsuit sunbathing with her friends gossiping about the boys at school. Several ostomates playing some beach volleyball. Ostomates working out in a crowded gym. Everyday situations where it is the norm for the abdomen to be exposed and ostomates participating without embarrassment or heckeling by the people around them. Show ostomates with their bags exposed in real world situations.
Second, organize more than a "World Ostomy Day." You want people to pay attention, you have to go big, with a big visual. Think of this, 1000 ostomates hanging out in the middle of summer with their bags exposed on Venice Beach. For something local to me, Flash Mob of Ostomates in Pioneer Square having a dance party. I'm not thinking "March on the Capitol Steps" as that could be shown as either positive or negative depending on who sees it. Think "What's something that we already like to do that we can get a ton of ostomates to join in on where we can show people that we are just as normal as they are." That's the stuff that will turn some heads and generate the positive talk that needs to occur.
I think if you can successfully do those 2 things, it would really get the awareness movement going.
But hey, I could be wrong. After all, I have only been a member of the broadcast media for 10 years. What could I possibly know. (Sorry I had to get that joke in cuz I'm weird like that)
Peace, Love, and joy to you all this Holiday Season!
-D
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Following up
Tonight I woke up in the middle of the night. Don't really remember why, but I did. In an attempt to stay in bed and fall back asleep, without disturbing my sleeping wife, I decided to check my twitter feed and my Facebook from my phone. (What can I say, I'm a tech geek and I love being constantly connected to the world... Maybe that's why I am great at what I do... LOL) When I checked my twitter feed, I noticed that my last post got the attention of the people that help run uncoverostomy.com. At first, this worried me as I don't like being critical, but I think that constructive criticism is vital to development.
To my surprise, most all the comments seem to show me that the post was taken as it was intended, as suggestions on how to improve on a good idea. I am pleased that they saw it this way, and am completely open to helping out in any way that I can.
But one comment left on the Uncover Ostomy facebook page got me thinking some more and is causing me to write this entry at 3:30am.
One user (I will not use their name as thy are not a "friend" and without their permission I would feel bad writing it here) commented (I am paraphrasing from the post, these are not the users actual words) that being a UC sufferer, they are concerned about the possible need for an ostomy in the future. They go on to say that they think Jess's work in showing that you can get the sexy back after surgery is great and that they would love to learn how to conceal the bag in socially appropriate situations to be able to wear that pencil dress or tailored shirt without having their bag showing through. They also go on to say that not all ostomates may share my views on awareness, especially so recently post op. (I'm only 10 weeks post op)
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE with all of that!!! And I think there is a great idea in there too!
I spend a lot of time on the interwebs (like I said, I'm a tech geek) and one thing that frustrates me is that it was almost impossible to find ALL the information that I desired about Ostomies and what to expect in my life post op in one place. Yes, there are multiple websites with medical information (UOAA.org was great for me in this aspect) and others with more social information (I really haven found one that I like for this) but I found it impossible to get all the information I desired in one place. I will tell you that I find Discussion boards a waste of time. Half the time the thread leads in a direction it originally wasn't intended and they are also cluttered with other peoples conversations that don't pertain to the topic at hand. It takes way too long to filter through the junk. To find the jewel of information that you really wanted in the first place.
This leads me to the Idea that this Facebook user gave me.
I think that what we need is what I, for lack of a better term, will call a panel blog. A site, co-authored by medical professionals (surgeons, WOCN's, GI's, ect...), Members of the, as I call them, awareness societies (UOAA, CCFA, IDEAS, GYGIG, ect...) And everyday people living with ostomies. (at least 1 male and 1 female from every 10yr age gap) Their job will to be answer any and all questions presented. (at launch, definitely start with the FAQ's and go from there) Include Bio's of each of the contributing members so people know where the information is coming from. Have the site well indexed and searchable. Give people that wish to participate a forum to add their 2 cents without detracting from the information provided. Give ostomates a place on the interwebs to get all the information they desire in one place. And one other ciritcal aspect to this site, the authors have to be completely candid about any question that is presented. (The information I desired the most was the information I couldn't find ANYWHERE on the internet and finally had to ask a fellow ostomate who was willing to be candid with me.)
Besides, if its a joint venture, a lot of Non Profits could save a lot of money on site maintenance and server costs while reducing clutter on their own sites
We absolutely need to help each other out! We need to support each other before we can bring true awareness to the masses.
Please, any and all comments about anything that I have written is greatly encouraged! Some of the best ideas come from people being constructively critical of other peoples work.
Love, Peace, Chicken Grease!
-D
P.S. I know I am writing this after the previous post, but since this one doesn't really make sense unless you have read the other, I put it underneath.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
You know.... I really should find more time in my day!
You know... I really have like a dozen posts sitting around in the archive that I never posted because I never finished them... I really should go back and try and finish them... or at least post what I have already written.
Life is good! I started doing some Yoga yesterday to help build my core as I work on my legs for the ride. Let me tell you... I HURT today! But it is a good hurt! You know that hurt that you get when you know that you did a great workout and soon you will be feeling better. I love that feeling!
Life is interesting. I really need to find a way to get things out in the open without distroying relationships. I have never really been the type to complain or point out others flaws, because I do not like it happening to me. So I sit back and let a lot of things bug me in silence until I explode, destroying a lot of things around me. Then I spend the rest of the time rebuilding relationships. Hey, at least this time I didn't try to quit my job! I'm sure my boss is appreciative of that one! (long story, will explain if you really want to know...)
(Looking out the studio window, the fog is rolling in. I like fog, it means it's not really freaking cold outside! It makes me want to get on the bike I don't own and go for a ride)
I think I have finally started to figure out my body again since the surgery. So much more to learn. I am liking that I don't have the pain that I did for the longest time! It's been weeks now since I took anything for Crohn's related pain. I hope that this continues for the weeks/months to come.
I love this time of year around the office. Most everyone is away on vacation, leaving me the only full time staff member around to get the work done. It's my station for a couple weeks a year. I love it! I soared under a lucky star to end up doing what I am doing in Market 13 so early on in my career, so to be in charge of the station is a HUGE thing! As much as this job stresses me out sometimes, I wouldn't want to do anything else!
We have an appointment for a ultrasound next week... hopefully we know more about what's happening with baby then. It's crazy times around here, but that's alright. She's doing better with this one. The nausea isn't getting to her as bad this time around.
I need to get back on the bike again. Anyone have a bike trainner that they don't need anymore? I need to start training for the ride. I may have to go through surgery again before the ride, so I need to be in ubershape before that happens just in case so I can bounce back quickly and still be ready by the time the ride starts. I am going to start riding with my family soon... I just want to be able to actually do some sort of distance before I go out with them. They have almost a year head start on me. (Oh hey, that reminds me... I still need to register)
Well I do have a lot of work to get done today... I hope that everyone out there on the interwebs has a great day and I look forward to seeing you all soon
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Life is good! I started doing some Yoga yesterday to help build my core as I work on my legs for the ride. Let me tell you... I HURT today! But it is a good hurt! You know that hurt that you get when you know that you did a great workout and soon you will be feeling better. I love that feeling!
Life is interesting. I really need to find a way to get things out in the open without distroying relationships. I have never really been the type to complain or point out others flaws, because I do not like it happening to me. So I sit back and let a lot of things bug me in silence until I explode, destroying a lot of things around me. Then I spend the rest of the time rebuilding relationships. Hey, at least this time I didn't try to quit my job! I'm sure my boss is appreciative of that one! (long story, will explain if you really want to know...)
(Looking out the studio window, the fog is rolling in. I like fog, it means it's not really freaking cold outside! It makes me want to get on the bike I don't own and go for a ride)
I think I have finally started to figure out my body again since the surgery. So much more to learn. I am liking that I don't have the pain that I did for the longest time! It's been weeks now since I took anything for Crohn's related pain. I hope that this continues for the weeks/months to come.
I love this time of year around the office. Most everyone is away on vacation, leaving me the only full time staff member around to get the work done. It's my station for a couple weeks a year. I love it! I soared under a lucky star to end up doing what I am doing in Market 13 so early on in my career, so to be in charge of the station is a HUGE thing! As much as this job stresses me out sometimes, I wouldn't want to do anything else!
We have an appointment for a ultrasound next week... hopefully we know more about what's happening with baby then. It's crazy times around here, but that's alright. She's doing better with this one. The nausea isn't getting to her as bad this time around.
I need to get back on the bike again. Anyone have a bike trainner that they don't need anymore? I need to start training for the ride. I may have to go through surgery again before the ride, so I need to be in ubershape before that happens just in case so I can bounce back quickly and still be ready by the time the ride starts. I am going to start riding with my family soon... I just want to be able to actually do some sort of distance before I go out with them. They have almost a year head start on me. (Oh hey, that reminds me... I still need to register)
Well I do have a lot of work to get done today... I hope that everyone out there on the interwebs has a great day and I look forward to seeing you all soon
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
02 December 2009
Something that has been bugging me this week....
This post is taking a break from writing about the usual Crohn's or surgery related things to complain about something that makes me slightly ashamed to be a part of the community that I am about to rip on.
Over the weekend, a very tragic thing happened. 4 uniformed Lakewood Police officers were sitting in a coffee shop, getting ready to get back out to protecting our streets, when a gunman came in and opened fire directly on them, killing all 4 of them. These 4 brave individuals did nothing but try to keep our streets safe for us, and were murdered in cold blood by some lunitic. My thoughts go out to the families of these brave individuals that gave their lives to keep us safe.
Immediately after the incident, a MASSIVE manhunt went underway to find the suspect in this tragic event and bring him to justice. I applaud the work of the Law Enforcement agencies across Western Washington for their efforts to get this man off the streets. Someone that can step up and shoot directly at 4 officers can not be described as stable. Personally I find it unfortunate that the suspect was killed before he could see his day in court, but that is a personal opinion on the situation. And that leads me to the issue that I have with some of my colleuges in this situation.
Monday morining, I woke up and turned on the news as I always do, (I will not disclose what channel I was watching as I have already addressed this with that station and don't feel the need to discredit them further) and as to be expected it was mostly about the Fallen Officers and the manhunt for the suspect. At this point they had the name of the top suspect, Maurice Clemens, and were broadcasting his name and photo in an effort to ade officers in finding this suspect. I absolutely don't have a problem with this, I think its a great idea that they ade the search in any way they can without compromising it.
Where I have an issue is in their inability to keep their opinions out of the news. All morning, all I heard was "Cop Killer Maruice Clemens" or "Murder Marice Clemens." I'm sorry... but when did he get in front of a judge and get sentanced as a murder?
Now, I know out justice system is flawed. Hell, just look at this case and you can see where some of the flaws are. A multiple time fellon had his sentance commuted by then Gov. Huckabee, had a parole condition that was a No Bail Hold if detained that was removed for no logical reason, only to be put back in place AFTER he bonded out in a case where he assaulted someone and was suspect in a rape. But it is our justice system, and we pride ourselves as a nation on bringing people to justice in front of a jury of thier peers. It's flawed, but it is what we have.
Now the News is suppose to be a broadcast of the facts, unless otherwise stated as an opinion. Being that this man never had his proper day in court, how can the media say he was a murderer. Suspected Cop Killer, Suspected Murder, Suspected Gunman... Absolutely we can say that. But he never had his day in court, so how can the members of the media label him anything but?
Personally, in my opinion from what I have seen, I think he absolutely did it. But that is my opinion. I would never broadcast that and try to pass it off as fact until he has been brought to proper justice.
The media does a lot of good in this society, but some things I can't help but be slightly ashamed that I decided to get into this business. All I can do it do my job with intregity and hope that my peers take notice and start doing the same.
Stay Safe! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!
-D
Over the weekend, a very tragic thing happened. 4 uniformed Lakewood Police officers were sitting in a coffee shop, getting ready to get back out to protecting our streets, when a gunman came in and opened fire directly on them, killing all 4 of them. These 4 brave individuals did nothing but try to keep our streets safe for us, and were murdered in cold blood by some lunitic. My thoughts go out to the families of these brave individuals that gave their lives to keep us safe.
Immediately after the incident, a MASSIVE manhunt went underway to find the suspect in this tragic event and bring him to justice. I applaud the work of the Law Enforcement agencies across Western Washington for their efforts to get this man off the streets. Someone that can step up and shoot directly at 4 officers can not be described as stable. Personally I find it unfortunate that the suspect was killed before he could see his day in court, but that is a personal opinion on the situation. And that leads me to the issue that I have with some of my colleuges in this situation.
Monday morining, I woke up and turned on the news as I always do, (I will not disclose what channel I was watching as I have already addressed this with that station and don't feel the need to discredit them further) and as to be expected it was mostly about the Fallen Officers and the manhunt for the suspect. At this point they had the name of the top suspect, Maurice Clemens, and were broadcasting his name and photo in an effort to ade officers in finding this suspect. I absolutely don't have a problem with this, I think its a great idea that they ade the search in any way they can without compromising it.
Where I have an issue is in their inability to keep their opinions out of the news. All morning, all I heard was "Cop Killer Maruice Clemens" or "Murder Marice Clemens." I'm sorry... but when did he get in front of a judge and get sentanced as a murder?
Now, I know out justice system is flawed. Hell, just look at this case and you can see where some of the flaws are. A multiple time fellon had his sentance commuted by then Gov. Huckabee, had a parole condition that was a No Bail Hold if detained that was removed for no logical reason, only to be put back in place AFTER he bonded out in a case where he assaulted someone and was suspect in a rape. But it is our justice system, and we pride ourselves as a nation on bringing people to justice in front of a jury of thier peers. It's flawed, but it is what we have.
Now the News is suppose to be a broadcast of the facts, unless otherwise stated as an opinion. Being that this man never had his proper day in court, how can the media say he was a murderer. Suspected Cop Killer, Suspected Murder, Suspected Gunman... Absolutely we can say that. But he never had his day in court, so how can the members of the media label him anything but?
Personally, in my opinion from what I have seen, I think he absolutely did it. But that is my opinion. I would never broadcast that and try to pass it off as fact until he has been brought to proper justice.
The media does a lot of good in this society, but some things I can't help but be slightly ashamed that I decided to get into this business. All I can do it do my job with intregity and hope that my peers take notice and start doing the same.
Stay Safe! I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!
-D
16 November 2009
Merry Christmas...
Tonight I spend my time working on a custom Christmas music mix for work. They use it at Christmas specific events through this time of the year. (Tree Lightings, Christmas Music Concerts, ect...) As I was working on this, I realized that this time that I spend working on this mix is the only time during the last couple years that I have been able to sit down and enjoy the music of the season. The rest of the time I am so focused on what's happening with the station that I don't have time to. This is a very busy time of year for me at work. Not only do I have to fill in around work for everyone that is out and about on vacations and such, we have to start planning out the next year of the station. So I sit here and listen to the entire 2 hour mix real time (normally after I finish a mix I speed through it to just hear the transitions to make sure it sounds fluid) so that I can have my bit of holiday music joy before I have to focus on reality again.
I hate that this year I have had to do this at night after I have left the office for the day, but what can I do about that...
I know, considering that it is almost 11pm and I am still healing from the surgery, I should be asleep. My attitude with that is... it's fucking pointless to try to sleep. Since I have tapered off the prednisone I have been even more restless. Now I don't know if it has something to do with that or the fact that I can not find a comfortable position to sleep in since surgery, but it is getting recockulous. Even the Ambien that they prescribed me doesn't work anymore. (and I am already on the max dose of it)
I know that everyone is telling me that I need to stay positive like I have been, but what if I don't want to anymore? It's fucking EXHAUSTING to stay this positive all the time when you hurt either from a chronic illness or surgery or both and still work full time, still am active outside the house, and have 2 young children running around constantly wanting the attention that they deserve to get from their dad.
Can I have a weekend... Just one... Where I am allowed to be negative? One where I can complain about how much I hurt and how exhausted something simple as doing the laundry makes me? One where I can have people not expect the world out of me? One where I can play the "I'm Sick" card and not feel guilty about it? Where I can call in to work sick and not feel guilty that I shorted them or my family? Just one?
This post took a turn you didn't expect, didn't it.....
Well until I touchdown in Fantasy land... I guess it's time to slap the smile back on my face and get to it again... :D
Well that's enough complaining from me. Complaining about your life gets you nowhere...
I am going to go back to listening to my Christmas music... Try not to spoil the little joy I get out of this every year.
Until I see you all again.....
I hate that this year I have had to do this at night after I have left the office for the day, but what can I do about that...
I know, considering that it is almost 11pm and I am still healing from the surgery, I should be asleep. My attitude with that is... it's fucking pointless to try to sleep. Since I have tapered off the prednisone I have been even more restless. Now I don't know if it has something to do with that or the fact that I can not find a comfortable position to sleep in since surgery, but it is getting recockulous. Even the Ambien that they prescribed me doesn't work anymore. (and I am already on the max dose of it)
I know that everyone is telling me that I need to stay positive like I have been, but what if I don't want to anymore? It's fucking EXHAUSTING to stay this positive all the time when you hurt either from a chronic illness or surgery or both and still work full time, still am active outside the house, and have 2 young children running around constantly wanting the attention that they deserve to get from their dad.
Can I have a weekend... Just one... Where I am allowed to be negative? One where I can complain about how much I hurt and how exhausted something simple as doing the laundry makes me? One where I can have people not expect the world out of me? One where I can play the "I'm Sick" card and not feel guilty about it? Where I can call in to work sick and not feel guilty that I shorted them or my family? Just one?
This post took a turn you didn't expect, didn't it.....
Well until I touchdown in Fantasy land... I guess it's time to slap the smile back on my face and get to it again... :D
Well that's enough complaining from me. Complaining about your life gets you nowhere...
I am going to go back to listening to my Christmas music... Try not to spoil the little joy I get out of this every year.
Until I see you all again.....
13 November 2009
It's a really grey day out there today
Today is definately a grey kind of day. Woke up late... had to run for the bus... took my rain jacket but forgot to make sure I had another layer underneath it... got blamed for something that wasn't my fault and couldn't have fixed it even if I had caught it in time... It's a grey day.
Life had been interesting since surgery for me. Life started to return to normal... but then again is there such a thing as normal for me? I returned to work full time 2 weeks post op. My doctor wasn't too happy about that, but what can I say I'm stubborn.(there seems to be no damage done for doing that) The wound from the surgery is healing alright I guess. I am a little sick of seeing this Giant opening in my abs and tired of not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in. If it doesn't hurt my back, it hurts my abs, no matter what I do. So I am forced to take the lesser of 2 evils and decide what gets to hurt that night. It's a little annoying to say the least.
I am gettin use to living with the ostomy. I think the bigger restriction for me right now is the wound. I wish it would heal already. Life hasn't really changed outside that. It's actually a lot nicer for me. I am not in a constant search for a bathroom. I also think less about what I am eating and just am eating more! Being a foodie at heart, it really sucked not being able to eat most things for the longest time! I would still create magnificent dishes for my family, I was just unable to eat my own creations. (I did the same thing when I was on TPN, I would cook for my family then go get hooked up for the night as they enjoyed it)
(Quick Break.... actually have work to do.... WTH is up with that....)
There are a few things that I am having to get use to living with this bag on my abs. A lot of my formal clothes don't look quite right now. I tend to wear very tailored shirts, and it looks like I have a bit of a weird looking belly. I think I will have to learn to manipulate it a bit to make these shirts look proper again! I love my clothes and don't want to have to go find different ones. Another good note is that I have put on 13 pounds since surgery! I am on my way to getting back to the shape I once was! I should put pictures up of me just out of High School. I felt the best about how I looked back then. If I could get even close to that again I would be happy! I will be training hard for the GYGIG rides soon so that will help get the muscle tone back, now just to put the weight back on.
(Sorry.... Another Work break.... trying to write this today during my breaks)
Work is an interesting creature. I am use to this, but just when things start to get into a routine, that blows up and we start all over again. That's alright by me... to a point. I love for things to constantly be changing, but my body doesn't like it so much. Hell it's taken a couple years to get use to waking up when I do, and half the time I still wake up late.
My kids are growing up way too quickly! Elijah is running around starting to try and form words. His favorite thing to do now is imitate what mommy and daddy do. I will have to upload a video I have of him grabbing one of our empty cups, lifting it like he was drinking from it, and as he puts it down he goes "ahhh"! It is the cutest thing ever! Amber is doing great in school. She started at a new school this year in a harder program and is doing so much better than she was. I think getting her away from all her old friends helped that out too. We have been blessed with 2 really good kids. Now let's hope that the third will be the same.
Yes... I did just say Third...
Erin is preggo with our 3rd (and final) child. Estimated due date at this point is June 16th, but I am sure that will change by a couple days in the future. This does mean that there is no chance in hell that the wife will let me go to NY this year for the ride... Which sucks because I really wanted to make it to NY this year. Oh well... there still is the Midwest and I will still be involved with the NY ride. Someone has to keep an eye on the Twitter feed and keep those tweets coming! I am going to try and convince the board to let me update the Facebook too while on the ride along with the website. I have some great ideas for this year! Now to get them all down on paper and ready to present.
With The Holidays just around the corner, I hope all of you that read this have a very Happy Holidays. This is the time of year for me to be insane, except for about 48 hours when I am with the family having an enjoyable meal and plesent conversation. So if you don't hear from me anytime soon, it's because I have misplaced my mind in the mess that is my office... I will get back to you as soon as I find it again.
Much Love to you all!
Life had been interesting since surgery for me. Life started to return to normal... but then again is there such a thing as normal for me? I returned to work full time 2 weeks post op. My doctor wasn't too happy about that, but what can I say I'm stubborn.(there seems to be no damage done for doing that) The wound from the surgery is healing alright I guess. I am a little sick of seeing this Giant opening in my abs and tired of not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in. If it doesn't hurt my back, it hurts my abs, no matter what I do. So I am forced to take the lesser of 2 evils and decide what gets to hurt that night. It's a little annoying to say the least.
I am gettin use to living with the ostomy. I think the bigger restriction for me right now is the wound. I wish it would heal already. Life hasn't really changed outside that. It's actually a lot nicer for me. I am not in a constant search for a bathroom. I also think less about what I am eating and just am eating more! Being a foodie at heart, it really sucked not being able to eat most things for the longest time! I would still create magnificent dishes for my family, I was just unable to eat my own creations. (I did the same thing when I was on TPN, I would cook for my family then go get hooked up for the night as they enjoyed it)
(Quick Break.... actually have work to do.... WTH is up with that....)
There are a few things that I am having to get use to living with this bag on my abs. A lot of my formal clothes don't look quite right now. I tend to wear very tailored shirts, and it looks like I have a bit of a weird looking belly. I think I will have to learn to manipulate it a bit to make these shirts look proper again! I love my clothes and don't want to have to go find different ones. Another good note is that I have put on 13 pounds since surgery! I am on my way to getting back to the shape I once was! I should put pictures up of me just out of High School. I felt the best about how I looked back then. If I could get even close to that again I would be happy! I will be training hard for the GYGIG rides soon so that will help get the muscle tone back, now just to put the weight back on.
(Sorry.... Another Work break.... trying to write this today during my breaks)
Work is an interesting creature. I am use to this, but just when things start to get into a routine, that blows up and we start all over again. That's alright by me... to a point. I love for things to constantly be changing, but my body doesn't like it so much. Hell it's taken a couple years to get use to waking up when I do, and half the time I still wake up late.
My kids are growing up way too quickly! Elijah is running around starting to try and form words. His favorite thing to do now is imitate what mommy and daddy do. I will have to upload a video I have of him grabbing one of our empty cups, lifting it like he was drinking from it, and as he puts it down he goes "ahhh"! It is the cutest thing ever! Amber is doing great in school. She started at a new school this year in a harder program and is doing so much better than she was. I think getting her away from all her old friends helped that out too. We have been blessed with 2 really good kids. Now let's hope that the third will be the same.
Yes... I did just say Third...
Erin is preggo with our 3rd (and final) child. Estimated due date at this point is June 16th, but I am sure that will change by a couple days in the future. This does mean that there is no chance in hell that the wife will let me go to NY this year for the ride... Which sucks because I really wanted to make it to NY this year. Oh well... there still is the Midwest and I will still be involved with the NY ride. Someone has to keep an eye on the Twitter feed and keep those tweets coming! I am going to try and convince the board to let me update the Facebook too while on the ride along with the website. I have some great ideas for this year! Now to get them all down on paper and ready to present.
With The Holidays just around the corner, I hope all of you that read this have a very Happy Holidays. This is the time of year for me to be insane, except for about 48 hours when I am with the family having an enjoyable meal and plesent conversation. So if you don't hear from me anytime soon, it's because I have misplaced my mind in the mess that is my office... I will get back to you as soon as I find it again.
Much Love to you all!
10 November 2009
Bring the World Cup to Seattle and the US!
I just added a widget to the sidebar of this blog. It is to help bring the Beautiful game to Seattle and more importantly the US. Please take a minute to sign the petition, help bring litterally WORLD CLASS Soccer to the US once again!
16 October 2009
Why can't I keep myself out of there....
So here's a quick update on what's happened over the last 48 hours... (I'll get back to updating the last post in a bit, but I want to update you all on the recent events)
Yesterday I had a nurse come by the house to check up on me and the PICC line that I had. They have been coming by a couple times a week since it was placed to check up on me and change dressings so it was suppose to be a routine visit. While she was taking my vitals, I had a temperature of 102.8 and my resting heart rate was somewhere in the 130's. The nurse immediately called my surgeon to let him know and see what he wanted to do. I had been feeling just fine up until just a couple hours earlier, so this was all new to me. My doctor called me back and told me to get my butt back to the hospital, and that a bed was waiting for me. When I got there, they took an xray to see that the PICC was still in place and that there was nothing funky going on with my lungs. Once that came back, they took blood culutres and did a bunch of other tests to try and find an infection and also rule out the flu. While those were out, the resident surgeon came and saw me (luckly it was one that was in on my surgery, so he knew what was happening already). He saw some drainage out of the surgery incision and said he needed to open it up. So he pulled the staples out of that area and opened it up. There was a little bit of material that he removed and he opened it up a bit more just to make sure that he got it all. So they packed the wound with gause and taped me up for the night. Overnight my fever broke and my heart rate came down. All of the cultures and tests that they did came back negative, so they think that little bit of suspect material was the culprit. They were going to keep me through the weekend if I was uncomfortable with taking care of the open wound, but since taking care of that is no different than when I had to do it for my face last year, I told them that if I could, I would rather be at home if it was no different to them. They discharged me after teaching me again how to care for the wound.
So now I am home again... Hopefully this time I can stay away from the hospital for more than a couple days.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! I appreciate them all!
Yesterday I had a nurse come by the house to check up on me and the PICC line that I had. They have been coming by a couple times a week since it was placed to check up on me and change dressings so it was suppose to be a routine visit. While she was taking my vitals, I had a temperature of 102.8 and my resting heart rate was somewhere in the 130's. The nurse immediately called my surgeon to let him know and see what he wanted to do. I had been feeling just fine up until just a couple hours earlier, so this was all new to me. My doctor called me back and told me to get my butt back to the hospital, and that a bed was waiting for me. When I got there, they took an xray to see that the PICC was still in place and that there was nothing funky going on with my lungs. Once that came back, they took blood culutres and did a bunch of other tests to try and find an infection and also rule out the flu. While those were out, the resident surgeon came and saw me (luckly it was one that was in on my surgery, so he knew what was happening already). He saw some drainage out of the surgery incision and said he needed to open it up. So he pulled the staples out of that area and opened it up. There was a little bit of material that he removed and he opened it up a bit more just to make sure that he got it all. So they packed the wound with gause and taped me up for the night. Overnight my fever broke and my heart rate came down. All of the cultures and tests that they did came back negative, so they think that little bit of suspect material was the culprit. They were going to keep me through the weekend if I was uncomfortable with taking care of the open wound, but since taking care of that is no different than when I had to do it for my face last year, I told them that if I could, I would rather be at home if it was no different to them. They discharged me after teaching me again how to care for the wound.
So now I am home again... Hopefully this time I can stay away from the hospital for more than a couple days.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers! I appreciate them all!
12 October 2009
Think of a title for this later....
So I have attempted to write this post for the past 3 days now... and I don't know if it is I don't want to or I am not sure of what to write... but I am going to get you all updated on what has happened since Thrusday morning by the time breakfast shows up or else I will wait to eat till this is done!
The examination under anestesia went well. They found that some areas of my sigmoid colon and rectum were not as diseased as they originally thought, so they didn't need to cut as much, if any, from there. There were still questions about some sections of my small bowel that would only be answered when they opened me up and got a real good look at what's happening. Although I didn't like the idea of just "winging it" so to speak, I really trust my doctors and if they told me they needed me to jump off the roof before the surgery I'd do it.
So I went home that afternoon and started getting things ready for my surgery. I wanted to nap all afternoon, but my son was having none of that! I think he knew it was the last time daddy was going to be able to wrestle with him for a while and wanted to get his fix in while he still could.
Emotion finally hit me Thursday night. I had been letting it build and build, just telling my self that this wasn't anything and that I was making a bigger deal out of this than it was. Well I was just lying to myself. This is a huge thing and I wasn't dealing with the emotional side enough. I broke down pretty much the whole night as my family slept.
Friday Morning started pretty much Thursday Night for me. Didn't sleep at all. Didn't think that I would, but I was hoping. Got to the hospital, and things started happening. Took me up to surgery where I met my ET nurse and she marked me for my ostomy. Then it was getting into gowns and getting me into bed so that everyone could talk to me and get me prepped. After signing consents and such, I laid back and rested, waiting for things to start happening and that's all I remember... I must have closed my eyes and they pushed the sedative to relax me and then off we went!
I don't remember much of Friday night. I know that my family was all here when I got back to my room around 5pm. Aparently I was cracking jokes from my first consiousness. My brother, who is just as bad with his phone as I am, was sending out a mass txt to let the family know I was out of surgery and doing alright. I looked at him and said something along the lines of "dude, for once in your life will you put down the phone" he then informed me that he was just updating the family on what was happening so I told him "well, I guess that's ok..." I don't remember any of this. Oh and aparently I was dragging all of my words out for no aparent reason... Wow I was messed up! Bad thing was I was in a TON of pain, that I do remember. I know it was hard for my family to see me like that, because they could see the pain on my face. Didn't sleep much that night, was hitting the pain button constantly. It really sucked! Didn't look at my wounds till the next day. Don't know why I didn't want to, but I didn't. Didn't think I could handle looking at it that night.
I have a lot more to add to this... but this has taken a long time to write and I my body is telling me to sleep... so I am going to do that now and come back to this in a bit. have a wonderful day
The examination under anestesia went well. They found that some areas of my sigmoid colon and rectum were not as diseased as they originally thought, so they didn't need to cut as much, if any, from there. There were still questions about some sections of my small bowel that would only be answered when they opened me up and got a real good look at what's happening. Although I didn't like the idea of just "winging it" so to speak, I really trust my doctors and if they told me they needed me to jump off the roof before the surgery I'd do it.
So I went home that afternoon and started getting things ready for my surgery. I wanted to nap all afternoon, but my son was having none of that! I think he knew it was the last time daddy was going to be able to wrestle with him for a while and wanted to get his fix in while he still could.
Emotion finally hit me Thursday night. I had been letting it build and build, just telling my self that this wasn't anything and that I was making a bigger deal out of this than it was. Well I was just lying to myself. This is a huge thing and I wasn't dealing with the emotional side enough. I broke down pretty much the whole night as my family slept.
Friday Morning started pretty much Thursday Night for me. Didn't sleep at all. Didn't think that I would, but I was hoping. Got to the hospital, and things started happening. Took me up to surgery where I met my ET nurse and she marked me for my ostomy. Then it was getting into gowns and getting me into bed so that everyone could talk to me and get me prepped. After signing consents and such, I laid back and rested, waiting for things to start happening and that's all I remember... I must have closed my eyes and they pushed the sedative to relax me and then off we went!
I don't remember much of Friday night. I know that my family was all here when I got back to my room around 5pm. Aparently I was cracking jokes from my first consiousness. My brother, who is just as bad with his phone as I am, was sending out a mass txt to let the family know I was out of surgery and doing alright. I looked at him and said something along the lines of "dude, for once in your life will you put down the phone" he then informed me that he was just updating the family on what was happening so I told him "well, I guess that's ok..." I don't remember any of this. Oh and aparently I was dragging all of my words out for no aparent reason... Wow I was messed up! Bad thing was I was in a TON of pain, that I do remember. I know it was hard for my family to see me like that, because they could see the pain on my face. Didn't sleep much that night, was hitting the pain button constantly. It really sucked! Didn't look at my wounds till the next day. Don't know why I didn't want to, but I didn't. Didn't think I could handle looking at it that night.
I have a lot more to add to this... but this has taken a long time to write and I my body is telling me to sleep... so I am going to do that now and come back to this in a bit. have a wonderful day
08 October 2009
Thursday Morning... Let's Get this over with
I'm sorry that I have not update this in a while now... every time that I go to start, I end up either having work to do or I get distracted by my family and just never get back to doing what I started. Also I really haven't felt a whole lot like writing about what's been happening...
I mean, I accept what's happening and I am ready for them to get the bad sections of my colon out and place the ostomy, but I haven't really taken the time to go thru my head and sort out the emotional side of this. Logic and such, I am ready and willing. Emotionally, I don't know what I am thinking or how I feel about this. I know that this is nothing to be ashamed of and that in the end if it makes me healthy again, who gives a fuck about what anyone else thinks about it.
I really am having a hard time with this. I have been keeping my mind distracted so I didn't have to deal with it, but now with no more work and the procedures to begin here in just a couple hours, it makes it impossible to not address it anymore.
A little later this morning I am heading into my surgeons office so they can do an "Examination under Anestesia" so they can make a specific surgical plan. We know from all the other tests most of what needs to happen, but there are some questions that doctor has and doing this exam will allow him to be able to definiatively tell me what he's going to do. Gotta say that I am not looking forward to getting blown up like a baloon and have a camera poked around inside of me. A friend suggested I sell tickets or the pictures as a fundraiser. If I thought someone would acutally pay for it, I totally would! I ain't to proud to whore myself out for a great cause!
Well I need to go get in the shower and get this day started already. I will get on here later today and update you all on what's happening. I love you all and appreciate all the positive thoughts and prayers that have been coming my way! They are a source of inspiration and strength for me!
I mean, I accept what's happening and I am ready for them to get the bad sections of my colon out and place the ostomy, but I haven't really taken the time to go thru my head and sort out the emotional side of this. Logic and such, I am ready and willing. Emotionally, I don't know what I am thinking or how I feel about this. I know that this is nothing to be ashamed of and that in the end if it makes me healthy again, who gives a fuck about what anyone else thinks about it.
I really am having a hard time with this. I have been keeping my mind distracted so I didn't have to deal with it, but now with no more work and the procedures to begin here in just a couple hours, it makes it impossible to not address it anymore.
A little later this morning I am heading into my surgeons office so they can do an "Examination under Anestesia" so they can make a specific surgical plan. We know from all the other tests most of what needs to happen, but there are some questions that doctor has and doing this exam will allow him to be able to definiatively tell me what he's going to do. Gotta say that I am not looking forward to getting blown up like a baloon and have a camera poked around inside of me. A friend suggested I sell tickets or the pictures as a fundraiser. If I thought someone would acutally pay for it, I totally would! I ain't to proud to whore myself out for a great cause!
Well I need to go get in the shower and get this day started already. I will get on here later today and update you all on what's happening. I love you all and appreciate all the positive thoughts and prayers that have been coming my way! They are a source of inspiration and strength for me!
14 September 2009
Cont...
I have more questions than answers. I really don't like that feeling. Got more appointments to see people and have more procedures done. They didn't do the endoscope when they did my colonoscopy, so I have to go have that done on Thursday. They want to do it because I have been having pain in an area that they can't explain. They are hoping that this will help shed some more light on what's happening. I am not so sure... but I think I am getting a little more impatient with what's happening as time goes on and I still don't have answers. I see the surgeons on Monday in their office. I hope that they can tell me what's happening and what the plan is for this whole scenario. I still don't know what they plan on taking out, what type of ostomy they are planning, how long they expect before they go in, how much downtime I will have afterward, how this will affect my life, NOTHING!
It's slightly frustrating......
Untill then, I continue on this Clear Liquid only diet, WHICH IS TORTURE!!! I actually have been feening sooo hard for actual food lately, that I have taken to locking myself in my bedroom when the family is eating ANYTHING. I mean, the other night my wife heated some frozen pizza up (something that I usually have absolutely no problem staying away from) and I was craving it so badily. I think that I just miss food! I love to cook and eat and I can't do the latter right now.
It definately adds to the frustration.....
Friday I found myself back in the ER again... this time it was a flu. I went to bed Thursday night feeling just fine. When I woke up I had a gnarly cough and a temp up over 101. Called my doctors and they all told me to get my ass in there. Sure enough I caught the flu. They took 5 sets of labs from me!!! 3 from my PICC line, and 2 others from a second IV they tapped! I swear they wanted all of my blood! They pushed a couple litres of fluid, gave me some Tamiflu and sent me on my way. I spent most of the weekend in my bed trying to rest, but one of the side effects of the pain meds that I am on is I get jittery and hyper and have a need to do SOMETHING physical. Makes for interesting nights and such... finally get out of pain and have the need to go do something... my wife can't figure me out. I am doing much better today. My temp is gone and I only have a slight cough and body aches. Hopefully I won't be feeling any of this by Wednesday.
Sick on top of sick... adds more to the frustration......
Both of my kids birthday's are in September along with mine, so yesterday we had a party for them. What was I thinking letting my 11yr old have a bunch of friends over while getting over a flu and being fed out of a tube in my arm? I must have been on some great stuff when I said yes to that! All in all it was a great day for them and they had a blast, I was just completely DECIMATED by the end of the day. I had to take a nap after they all left. Watching my kids tear into their presents was awesome though. I also enjoyed watching Elijah tear into his first cake. Tradition in our family, the first bday the kid gets their own cake to tear into. We definately have some great pictures of what he did to his! Except for completely draining me, it was a great day
Helped me to forget about the frustrations for a while....
Now I am at work, waiting around for the last of my database to compile so I can finish my work for the day. Although I really didn't want to come in today, I did get a lot done. It's easy to get a lot done though when you are left to yourself with a to do list and a computer. I think I had a highly productive day, even made some calls to set up appointments and such. Unfortunately my to do list seems longer at the end of this day than it was when I walked into the building this morning. Oh well, that's life I guess.
I wish I could say that I am alright with everything that's happening. I wish I could say that I have made my peace with the situation and that I am ready for it all to be over so I can move on. I mean I want this all to be over and I want to move on with my life, but I am still very conflicted about everything that's going to happen and how it's all going to be happening and what's going to happen to by body.
All I can do is keep my head up, keep thinking positive thoughts, and keep praying that answers to all my questions are around the corner.
Untill then.... I will keep breathing... and keep trying not to cry... but I gotta say... it gets harder as the days go on living like this
Much love to you all
It's slightly frustrating......
Untill then, I continue on this Clear Liquid only diet, WHICH IS TORTURE!!! I actually have been feening sooo hard for actual food lately, that I have taken to locking myself in my bedroom when the family is eating ANYTHING. I mean, the other night my wife heated some frozen pizza up (something that I usually have absolutely no problem staying away from) and I was craving it so badily. I think that I just miss food! I love to cook and eat and I can't do the latter right now.
It definately adds to the frustration.....
Friday I found myself back in the ER again... this time it was a flu. I went to bed Thursday night feeling just fine. When I woke up I had a gnarly cough and a temp up over 101. Called my doctors and they all told me to get my ass in there. Sure enough I caught the flu. They took 5 sets of labs from me!!! 3 from my PICC line, and 2 others from a second IV they tapped! I swear they wanted all of my blood! They pushed a couple litres of fluid, gave me some Tamiflu and sent me on my way. I spent most of the weekend in my bed trying to rest, but one of the side effects of the pain meds that I am on is I get jittery and hyper and have a need to do SOMETHING physical. Makes for interesting nights and such... finally get out of pain and have the need to go do something... my wife can't figure me out. I am doing much better today. My temp is gone and I only have a slight cough and body aches. Hopefully I won't be feeling any of this by Wednesday.
Sick on top of sick... adds more to the frustration......
Both of my kids birthday's are in September along with mine, so yesterday we had a party for them. What was I thinking letting my 11yr old have a bunch of friends over while getting over a flu and being fed out of a tube in my arm? I must have been on some great stuff when I said yes to that! All in all it was a great day for them and they had a blast, I was just completely DECIMATED by the end of the day. I had to take a nap after they all left. Watching my kids tear into their presents was awesome though. I also enjoyed watching Elijah tear into his first cake. Tradition in our family, the first bday the kid gets their own cake to tear into. We definately have some great pictures of what he did to his! Except for completely draining me, it was a great day
Helped me to forget about the frustrations for a while....
Now I am at work, waiting around for the last of my database to compile so I can finish my work for the day. Although I really didn't want to come in today, I did get a lot done. It's easy to get a lot done though when you are left to yourself with a to do list and a computer. I think I had a highly productive day, even made some calls to set up appointments and such. Unfortunately my to do list seems longer at the end of this day than it was when I walked into the building this morning. Oh well, that's life I guess.
I wish I could say that I am alright with everything that's happening. I wish I could say that I have made my peace with the situation and that I am ready for it all to be over so I can move on. I mean I want this all to be over and I want to move on with my life, but I am still very conflicted about everything that's going to happen and how it's all going to be happening and what's going to happen to by body.
All I can do is keep my head up, keep thinking positive thoughts, and keep praying that answers to all my questions are around the corner.
Untill then.... I will keep breathing... and keep trying not to cry... but I gotta say... it gets harder as the days go on living like this
Much love to you all
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