15 April 2010

14hrs till it all starts...

Well I finally left work on leave until I'm healthy enough to return again. Still have some work to do, but hopefully it doesn't take too long. I have a lot of not sleeping to do.

After my post yesterday, my friend brought up a point I hadn't thought about... And I think he hit on something for me. He made the comment that I might be mad at having no control over the situation.

Made me think. I hadn't thought about that before. It makes sense to me, especially being a person that believes he's in control over his destiny. The one thing I should be able to control is my body, yet I have not been able to. Even with all my attempts, doctors, medications, therapies, and and and...

So if this is right, what do I do???


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14 April 2010

40 hours till I go under, and I am not ready for this

We have crossed the 40 hour mark till I go in and have my 2nd Major surgery in the last 7 months. (4th surgery in same time period) I'm not ready to go through this again. I'm still furiously pissed off about the last time I did this.

Thing is... I really don't know why I'm so angry...

I would like to think that I'm angry at my doctors for their inability to control this disease, but they did the best they could with the tools available to them.

Maybe I'm mad at the people around me for not doing more to help me. Reality is they can only help me if I allow them and as anyone that really knows me that doesn't happen. I've always been a person to internalize everything until I can't anymore.

Is my anger toward "god" or whoever it is controling things? I don't think so as I do not believe in a higher power. I have a hard time letting go of the thought that I control my destiny.

Am I angry with myself? I have a hard time accepting this as I know that logically I did not create my situation. I know that I control its outcome, but I did not intentionally or knowingly put myself in this position. This makes it hard for me to believe rationally that I'm angry with myself.

For me, saying that I'm angry with the situation is such a bullshit line. There has never been anyone that has ever said that line that didn't know exactly what they were angry with.

So what's left for me to be angry with?

(On my way home from work, writing this on the bus. Its not very sunny out, but wearing my sunglasses. Don't want people to see me crying)

I hate that I can't explain it. Its turned me into a very miserable person. (Anyone that thinks that I have been in great spirits lately, you now know what 10 years in radio can do for your acting skills)

I mean, how rediculous is this. I find myself angry at people that tell me that my story is inspiring to them. I guess I have a hard time someone as miserable as I can be an inspiration to anyone.

If the world has one of those inspirational kicks to the head that puts everything into perspective again, I could really use it right about now.
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07 April 2010

When 140 characters, or even 420, just won't do...

So if when life gives you lemons you make lemonaid, when life gives you hell do you throw a BBQ?

Life sometimes gives everyone hell, then there are the times where life straight ties you down and makes you it's bitch. Recently, it's felt like the latter of the 2

A lot of things are happening all at once, and I am not having an easy time mentally with any of it.  I am actually kinda surprised that I am able to keep up appearances that I am strong and am perservearing through this, because inside I am torn apart. I know what's going on in my head is the source of my insomnia, but with as much as I do have going on in my life right now, I don't have the time to slow down and take care of it.  I know that sounds horrible, as we all should take the time to clear our head of all the deamons that haunt us, but with a 60+ hr a week job, 2 kids and a wife that's due in 2.5 months with #3, and all the other things I have my hands in right now I just don't have any time.  Besides that.... I don't think I am ready to deal with them.

I head to the surgeons tomorrow to schedule my next surgery.  I really don't think I am ready for another one.  I hadn't really gotten through everything in my head from the first one. I know that I am angry at myself and my body, but I can't really pinpoint why.   This was the hand that I was dealt, and I think I am handling it pretty well considering what I put myself through to have the life that I have always wanted. Some times I wonder if it is all worth it, trying to keep going on the path that I am on in the condition that I am in, but then I think about all the hard work that I put in and the breaks I created to get where I am today, and I realize that I wouldn't ever get another shot like this again.  I have to keep doing what I am doing, I would never be happy doing anything else.

Well... Outside running my own station that I was the owner of.... Anyone got a couple million dollars they want to loan me?

Sorry.... Quick Break... This is the Funniest video I have seen in a while! Just goes to show you what a well placed bleep can do to pretty much any conversation.



So someday... I hope to figure this all out... until then I hope I can work through this and keep going on what I do.  Otherwise, I am sure my family will hate me.

All this just to keep the roof over my families head.  It's totally worth it... but someday this body will give out on me again... and then what